Beauty Tips for the Resistance

By Jessica Roberts


Have you heard this new term “well-aging”? It’s supposed to replace anti-aging, mostly in magazine speak,  I imagine. And on its face, I’d agree in the direction of improvement. We’d all probably care not to anti-age, aging being the natural order of things and whatnot.

Well-aging. Well-mortality. Well-lines so deep in your face from all the laughter and trauma a person can gather in a lifetime. Well-filler if you want to, make that skin bounce bounce bounce. Well-face lift, eye-lift, well-can we do something about this double chin? Omg, the camera is turned around. Omg, is that what I look like when I’m not making my mirror face. Well-mirror face. How much money am I spending on creams?

If you put “well” in front of things I think you are lifestyle expert. Am I a lifestyle expert now? Let’s give it a go. How about some tips and tricks? Beauty tips for the RESISTANCE!

Stay hydrated. The patriarchy is almost literally trying to drain you of your fundamental rights, employment opportunity, reproductive justice and/or freedom, economic opportunity. The patriarchy hates when you bring up astrology. You are supposed to be made up of 90% water, so at least keep that for yourself. You can have it warm with lemon in the morning for regularity.

Fill in your eyebrows to help frame the face and side-eyes. A brow is a powerful tool of expression, use a wax pencil to create tiny fake parts leading to an excellent sum. Practice lifting one at a time by telling yourself things like:

You should smile more.
You should smile more.
You should smile at all.
You should ...

Line your lips to make them appear fuller. Line them and create a literal boundary on your body. Start with the boundary of your lip, next draw a line on your eye. Now draw a line underneath your cheekbones and down the sides of your nose to mimic a shadow. You will be ready, the next time a person tries to put their hand up your skirt at a holiday party to draw a line there as well. Sequins and satin are always festive at a holiday party.

Wear shapewear underneath your clothes to create smooth lines and flattering silhouettes. Cut off the top part of the shapewear that cuts so far into your stomach you cannot breathe and play with it while you do your delicate laundry. Start taking apart all of your shapewear and sew it back together in the shape of some superperson costume that maybe transforms you into a Maleficent Dragon. You can call it shapeshift wear.

A five-minute face is great because time is an illusion. But if I am being honest, I much prefer a 45-minute face.

Eat vegetables. Can you believe that this is still genuine advice? Eat vegetables, grow vegetables, build a tiny seed bank and start the world over.

Do men know about the term “anti-aging? They very well might, but I wonder sometimes about the words women know that men do not. Did you know there is not a female version of the word emasculate, we have no special term for the humiliation of femininity. Humiliation being the natural order of things and whatnot.